lots of love

I get this question everyday, isn't it time for a second child? When Cooper was one or even two it didn't bother me, i would just blow it off and say maybe later. Now that Cooper is almost four this question brings tears to my eyes. Josh and I have been trying to have another child for long time. We've had a hard struggle and many ups and downs. We had a miscarriage before Cooper and have had many after Cooper. Cooper was a miracle we have decided and so have the doctors. When we found out we were going to have Cooper we were excited and scared. Scared to loose him. From the start we were told he might not make it to go home and prepare for a miscarriage. I can honestly say i didn't enjoy being pregnant i feel bad to say that but i hear how other mothers talk about how they love being pregnant and i don't have those feelings. I was put on bed rest and told to take it easy and i was always going to the doctor for extra check ups. Cooper was strong and was meant to be here.

When i first held Cooper and really got to look at him, i fell in love. I never fell so hard for someone so fast. Cooper had me and if you could see the way Josh was looking at him glowing you could tell he had his dad too. We love our little boy and are so grateful that he is healthy and has no problems. We were parents! It was a great feeling to be called mom and dad. Cooper has blessed our life.

We would love to have another child and have been working on this for a long time. Nothing seems to be working. Its exhausting to go to doctor appointments every week having blood work and test and drugs being thrown at you. I'm sick of it, but know its what i have to do to have another child and it will be worth it. Its hard mentally and physically and when its time to pee on a stick and the results are negative it heart breaking. I get real negative and start saying and blaming thing that i know I'm going to have to ask for forgiveness later. Each day is hard and each month that passes is even harder.

Cooper is going to be four in a month and it makes me sad because my baby is getting bigger. Cooper has always looked big for his age and if you ask him how old he is he will say he's six. He loves the number six and some people really believe him. Its funny. I love Cooper and love being his mom. I love watching Josh and Coop play together they can laugh for hours. Josh is a great father. We would love to be parents again and we have been looking into adoption for quite a long time. We've been praying for a child and have a good feeling about adopting but also have a good feeling we will have another child. I think the lord is trying to teach us patience but if things don't work out Josh and I are both grateful and blessed for being parents to the most adorable little boy we named Cooper.

Today a young lady that should rename nameless came to me about advice on trying to get pregnant. She too has had a hard time and was wondering how i handle things. I usually write in my journal about my feelings but thought today i would post them because maybe my story might help someone else.